I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
3pm strippers are depressing
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
