I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
