just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
