Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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