sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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