He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
