I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
