I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
