So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
