My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
