i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
