Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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