I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
