There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
