so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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