I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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