Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize