dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
