wanna go halves on a baby?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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