I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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