I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
