did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
