dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
