you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
