well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
