He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just found puke in my bra..
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
