can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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