What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize