I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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