The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
