I haven't been this sober since birth.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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