So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize