Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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