my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize