Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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