then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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