420 ftw
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
