five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
