I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
