today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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