I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize