Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
