Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
