Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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