dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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