sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
