If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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