Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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