Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
