A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
