Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
