dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
as a side note pls kill me
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
