Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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