i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
