I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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