I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
