her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My dick has a subreddit
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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