seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
